1. ) Randomly text the object of your affection in the Walmart parking lot where you work as a independent windshield hygienist. Be sure that your text messages uses as assertive a tone as possible without actually sounding in anyway assertive.
2. ) Weep tears of joy when she text you back. Hug the cashier at the liquor store where you had planned to drown your sorrows.
3. ) Proceed to buy that tub of low-end vodka anyways because, holy shit she texted you back!
4. ) Call a friend, then another friend, then 10 more friends and ignore all of the advice they gave you. This kind of thing needs to be hashed out by your deeply embedded neuroses and crippling self doubt.
5. ) Open up the phone book and hire the most pedantic actuary you can find. Have him or her draw up a 100 point date itinerary complete with a master schedule and pre-written “spontaneous” quips.
6. ) This date will be fancy (is there any other kind?) so ask your least antisocial Kmart clerk to explain the difference between cherry apples and apple cherries because only one goes well with Cabernet Sauvignon and you’re totally fucked if you don’t guess which.
7. ) Dig around your closet for your nicest outfit. Since you are most likely a fury it may be challenging to find a dry cleaners that can spot wash a human sized felt pink squirrel suit on such short notice. Instead rub dirt and leaves on any obvious stains; she’ll appreciate the rugged and sexy look.
8. ) Remove the backlog of Korean-Animated-Fetish quarterlies from your glove box and install several conifer shaped air fresheners (pick colors that match her eyes!)
9. ) Things are looking up! This is the perfect time to send correspondence to your arranged bride with a cashier’s check returning the hefty dowry you’ve received from her parents. Include an extra large Ted Nugent belly shirt so she always has a little bit of America to remember you by.
10. ) Almost date time. Stay out late the night before and get as phone numbers as you can. Burning the digits of lesser women in your ceremonial kiln will be a classy way to end a romantic night.
11. ) Date time! But you have no idea where to meet her. You probably should have texted your date in the last 10 days to re-confirm but hope is not lost. Compensate by sending a weeks worth of text messages in 5 minutes. Works every time. OK, so maybe it didn't work this time so instead...
12. ) Go to the pub and have a friend date! They’ll appreciate the free booze and who knows, maybe some attractive women will notice your sophistication and you’ll be in relationship bliss in no time!(you won’t).
No comments:
Post a Comment